Searching for Healing

I have to write a 10 to 12 minute inspirational message for Chow & Chapel by tomorrow at 11:00.

My mom has breast cancer.

I have to read something on a piece of paper my Spanish teacher handed me last week by tomorrow morning and I can't even find it.

Mymom has breastcancer.

I have to write Grad school application essays and get references from people.

Mymomhas breastcancer.

I need to go buy groceries with money I don't have.

Mymomhasbreastcancer.

Holy shit. How am I supposed to do all of this?

In everything I do, there is the awful truth and the tears burning at the back of my throat, the choking feeling making it hard to breathe.

How am I supposed to speak about a loving God tomorrow when I don't feel loved right now? Where is He/She/It?

How can any of this stuff be important when my mom, the most important person in my life, is suffering from a disease that she can't even feel?

Too many questions. Not enough answers.

I need some answers, God. Right about now. Then, maybe, I'd feel Your love. Where is it? I used to be able to feel it everyday and now I just feel cold, empty silence.

I never thought it'd be my mom. She's supposed to be made of steel.

Damn it all.

Reflections on my Birthday.

Today I am 22. I can not even begin to explain how weird it is to be 22.


First of all, it's a little anti-climactic after your 21st birthday. Not nearly as many people are offering to take me out for drinks, etc. But I think the weirdest thing about being 22 is that this is the age I will be when I graduate.


I've always seen 22 as an age when I should know things, like where I'll go for grad school, what I'll for sure do with my life. Well, now I'm 22 and all of these questions are unanswered. Graduation is about 5 1/2 months away and I don't know anything.


SCARY.


In the meantime, look at cute little Kourtney and Kassie with their Grandma G-G and remember simpler times:

Recent Events

Fall break was much too short. I went home for about 24 hours, where my mom stuffed me full with pot roast and took me shopping. I love shopping with my mom, she's a lot of fun. I also finished Dr. Hornsby's book which was just an awesome read, it was like I got an extra class with her!

Then I came back to school and celebrated my best friend Mary's birthday. One of our friends got her (actually it was really a gift for himself) a grill for our front porch. I don't know if its legal or not for us to have one, but we made s'mores on it Friday night! It was amazing.

Sunday night Mary and I created art for our house:

This is the piece I created. I call it "America: A Remix" because it uses red, white, & blue. It really isn't intended to be patriotic though - just pretty.

This is the piece that Mary and I created together. As you can see, we were inspired by Jackson Pollock. She calls it "Collaboration" while I call it "Come Together Right Now, Over Me." (I can't stop listening to the Across the Universe soundtrack.)

So that was my break.

Sippin' Coffee with Jesus

Last night I went to Java with Jesus, an event put on by Disciples on Campus and the Chaplain's Office. Emily, the Associate Pastor from my church, gave the message and it was about being stressed out and filled with anxiety - something I clearly know a lot about. She used Psalm 63:1-8 for her scripture reading and I'm just going to post it on here because it really touched me. Even though I'd heard it many times before, I don't think I'd ever really heard it.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you in the watches of night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

Holy crap. Well said, David.

A Quick Update on my Insanity

I've been in bed by 11:30 every night this week.

I've been drinking a lot of water.

I've been getting my homework done by 10:00.

But the anxiety is still there and I'm binge eating. Uh oh...

Something's Gotta Give...

Yesterday I had my very first intense freak out. After church I got into my car and started crying. I think I got even more freaked out because I couldn't figure out why had been upset all morning or why I was in hysterics driving up Glenstone. Safe, right?

I was supposed to go visit a seminary in St. Louis yesterday but I just couldn't do it. The idea of going there made me feel like my brain was going to explode. Not that I don't want to visit, because I do. It was just the timing. I called my mom, while driving and crying - again, how safe am I? I told my mom I couldn't go and I'm pretty sure I freaked her out too because I couldn't tell her why I was so upset because I didn't know.

After sleeping most of the day yesterday, I came to the realization that I've been trying to do too much lately. Every week I work 3 jobs, go to 17 hours of classes and when I'm not working or in class I'm trying to get my mountains of homework done. I've filled up the past 3 weekends with activities. Basically I haven't had any time to myself.

The strange thing is that I'm doing stuff I want to do... I'm just doing too much of it, I think.

After sleeping for 4 hours yesterday and then sleeping about 9 hours last night, I'm feeling much better, not 100%, but better than I was.

I'm going to start saying no to things. I'm going to reclaim my Saturdays. I'm going to get my homework started before 11:00 at night so I get a full night of sleep. I need to take better care of myself.

Please hold me accountable to this.

Fear is a Beast

The Bear met my eyes with an intense steely glare (how else would a bear look at a person?). I could see my reflection in his eyes. I was so frightened I couldn't even move. He was a black bear, not like the normal small ones you find in the Rocky Mountains; he was huge. I felt my dad grab a hold of my arm, like he knew what was going to happen. I could sense my family's fear as they stood behind me. I worried about my sister. Was she scared? I worried about my mom. Would she be alright if something happened and my Bear killed me?

My dad's arm kept me anchored, it gave me strength as I faced my greatest fear. And then, in an effortless move, the Bear grabbed my arm and started pulling me away from the people I love most in this world. Dad's hand lost its grip on me, I thought for sure I was going to die.

No, I thought, I can't die today. I have too much to live for. I have a family I love and friends who light up my days - I have to fight. So with my right foot, I put all the strenght I had into it, I kicked the Bear. He was startled, he thought he could take me. He let go for the briefest moment and I ran up the stairs of the deck into the kitchen. I locked the door and ran to the living room, where I collapsed to the floor.

I heard my family come in through the basement door. Unable to move, I said a quick prayer thanking God for saving us. How could I have let my fears affect my family so?

With a start I woke up, realizing that this was a nightmare. I soon drifted back to sleep, but the Bear has been with me for the past three days. Reminding me that the things I fear, the decisions I agonize about at night when I'm trying to go to sleep or in class when I'm trying to listen to my professor, are not as big as they seem and that no matter where I go, I'll always find a way back home.