Kassie's Searchings and Thoughts

Moments like these are few and far between...

2009-04-16T20:36:00.002-05:00

I've kind of been in a slump of the spiritual variety lately. It's weird because usually Holy Week and Easter are some of my higher points on the roller coaster called faith, but no matter what I did the last week or so I just couldn't get into the groove of the season. So I've been kind of bummed out lately because I just haven't been feeling "it." "It" being the Holy Spirit or a sense of oneness with God, whatever you want to call it. So I've been trying to be in prayer more than usual and be open to "it" or the Spirit. I'll have to be honest and say that I haven't had much success. It's hard for old dogs to learn new tricks, you know?

So this morning in chapel I was completely smacked upside the head by "it" or the Holy Spirit, whatever. We had a simple service of table and healing. The moment I sat down the song "Table of Love" by Josh Elson and Andra Moran popped into my head. I literally thought how great it would be if we sang that during communion. Well, guess what. It was played during communion. Now this may not seem like something too crazy to you, but I was floored. I started crying, like any daughter of my mother would, and barely held it together in a chapel full of my classmates and professors.

One of the only ways I've experienced the Holy Spirit, aside from through people, has been through music. Specifically the right song or lyric played or sung at exactly the right time, saying to me the the exact thing I need to hear at that moment. This has happened at retreats (remember that retreat in Kansas, Lindsey?), camps, mission trips, and in my car or room when I'm all by myself. To me, the perfect song at the right time has been God's little message to me, giving me the encouragement I need. Well, it hadn't happened in a long time. I'd almost forgotten about how music affects me until this song came on.

Here we are, you and me;

I wonder if we're supposed to be

here at this table.

Draw me in as I am;

I hope that you will understand

as I come to this table of love.

I am tired, I am worn,

I am broken, I am torn.

So I come to this table.

I let your peace fill my soul,

cleanse my heart, and make me whole

here at this table of love.

I've come here to lay it all down.

You've come to lift me up,

and now we're forever bound

by this bread and by this cup

here at this table of love.

I was lost, now I'm found,

since we all have gathered 'round

here at this table.

I was blind, now I see

all the ways you welcome me

here at this table of love.

I've come here to lay it all down.

You've come to life me up,

and now we're forever bound

by this bread and by this cup

here at this table of love.

This song has always spoken to me and I hadn't heard it for so long. But it was perfect for the moment. And it's perfect for this moment in my life. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated by what I experienced this morning. But as much as I love that this happened today I know it will eventually wear off. So this wonderful day is yet another reminder that I need to be on the lookout for "it." But don't we all?

Why Beer is Better than Religion

2009-04-15T10:50:00.002-05:00

Dr. Marcus Borg, one of the most prominent scholars of Jesus and the early church today, read this to us at my school's Spring Convocation today and I think it is one of the most amazing things I've ever heard.

Why Beer is Better Than Religion:

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Ok, I'll admit that this is a lousy blog update but I don't have time for much else right now.

The Twilight Coma

2009-03-26T23:05:00.003-05:00

A horrible cold - complete with fever - that kept me out of class and work for two days, followed by a week of trying to play catch-up for those two days, followed by two weekends of visitors back-to-back and I'm exhausted and out of hyphens.

This week has been Reading Week here at ol' Eden Seminary and I should have been doing just that... and writing too. But instead of working my butt off trying to catch up and get ahead, I have been in what I like to call the Twilight Coma. Pathetic? A little. Ok, a lot.

I read the Twilight books over Christmas break and completely surprised myself by loving them. But seriously, what's not to love? A gorgeous vampire who is good to his core and just so happens to be head over heels in love with a very ordinary girl who I can completely identify with (at times). Not to mention this girl's best friend who is a werewolf who loves her too. I mean, it's just too much. It's steamy, sweet, and just like Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia, it takes me into an impossible world that I really enjoy getting lost in from time to time. So this week I've been sleeping and re-reading the Twilight books. This weekend will be hectic as I try to finish up papers and read books that were assigned to me, but I'm enjoying being lazy for a little bit and I don't see anything wrong with that.

So there. :-P

These Dreams...

2009-03-08T11:48:00.002-05:00

As you may know, I rarely have dreams that I remember in the morning. However, last night I tossed and turned a lot, never really getting into a deep enough sleep to forget what my brain was doing. So I now have a dream that I sort of remember.

In this dream, I wrote lyrics to a song. It was really good! I think it was an assignment for a class? But that part is sort of hazy. The theme was about being God's children - I remember that much. The really frustrating part though is that I can't remember any of the words! Everyone I sang it for in my dream really liked it and I was really proud of it. But now it's gone from my memory. I've always wished I was more musically gifted and that dream made me really happy. But, upon waking up, I was immediately frustrated because I couldn't remember any of the words to my song.

So, instead of having a pleasant dream that I get to remember, because I usually only remember nightmares, I have a pleasant dream that now brings me frustration.

I bet that song means something. Anyone know any dream interpreters? Man, where's Joseph when ya need him?!

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Song Is About You.

2009-03-03T10:07:00.004-06:00

On Sunday, as I was drying my hair to get ready for church, I found a gray hair. I've found gray hairs before, so it wasn't a huge deal. I got my scissors and I cut it really close to my scalp because I buy into the old wives' tale that if you pluck a gray hair 3 more will grow back in its place. Later that day, I checked to see if it was still visible and found 2 more right next to it! I officially freaked out. I ran downstairs and showed my mom. Then I made her check my whole head for more. In total, we found 5 gray hairs (including the ones I had found previously) but I'm sure there are more we didn't see. She assured me that the old wives' tale isn't true and plucked them all out for me.

Looking back at my irrational terror of finding gray hairs on my 23 year old head, I laugh, but I was very upset by it. It's incredibly vain and shallow of me to be so worried about my hair when I have so many other, bigger things to worry about (the economy, mine and my family's health, my classes, etc.). However, my hair has been one of the only things I've liked about my physical appearance for a long time. In fifth grade I got really awkward looking and in the following years I started putting on weight. So I've been a bit insecure about the way I look for a long time. Ever since I was 11, my hair has been one of the only features anyone ever compliments. Even now, as I actively try to lose weight (I've had to tighten my belt once already!), learn how to dress my body in more attractive ways, and learn how to use makeup to play up my features, my hair is the only thing I'm sure I like about my physical appearance at any given moment on any given day.

I think that we all have things about ourselves that we vainly cling to to boost our confidence. For some people it may be their eyes, nose, butt, or boobs. For me it's my hair. It's the only thing on the outside of me that I truly love. And I feel validated, and my confidence is boosted, when I find out that others like it too.

Even when I think about that day in the distant future when I have lost all the weight I want to lose, my first thought goes to the haircut I want to get that would look horribly disproportional on my body now, not about how I will be healthier or able to wear more fun clothes. It's completely outrageous.

I struggle with this vanity I feel. Everything I know tells me that I shouldn't be so preoccupied with looks. After all, it's what's on the inside that counts, right?

Maybe I should just shave my head.

Just kidding -- I died a little inside as I typed that.

A Meme About My Favorite Activity: Sleeping!

2009-02-24T21:17:00.002-06:00

1) How do you sleep at night?
Is your sleep affected by the national angst? Do you drop off easily, as you always did? Or does it take a while to get to sleep?

I've always been a great sleeper. Unless I'm incredibly stressed out (school is usually the biggest culprit), or I've had one of my weekends of marathon sleeping (i.e., this last weekend when I slept 13 hours Friday night and then took a nap Saturday afternoon), I sleep very well every night.

2) What strategies, if needed, do you use to get to sleep? Pills? Sheep? Late night television shows? And/or...?

I have my nightly routine that I do every night before bed: put on my PJs, take out my contact, brush my teeth, wash my face, take my allergy medicines, set my alarms, crawl into bed, and then I read something not school related for 15 minutes to an hour depending on when my eyelids close themselves. Lately, I've been re-reading the Twilight Saga over and over. Say what you want about those books, but they're a fun read and there are some pretty steamy parts too. Even though I do have this routine, I could probably just curl up on my bed every night and drift off with no problem at all. I don't get enough sleep during the week and I just plain love sleeping so once 11:00 comes around, I'm counting down the minutes until I'm done with my homework so I can go to my beloved bed.

3) Do you wake up in the middle of the night, plagued by obsessive thoughts?

I rarely wake up until my first alarm goes off in the morning. If I do, it's usually because I have to use the bathroom. Unless I'm sick, I almost never wake up for any reason other than to pee.

4) What strategies do you have to get back to sleep?

Well, since waking up because I'm distressed is a rarity, I don't really have any techniques. I usually just pull my covers closer around me and close my eyes again. Insomniacs probably hate me.

5) Are your dreams affected? Are they more anxious than before? Do they wake you up in a sweat? Or are they peaceful, innocent, undisturbed by the general malaise?

Confession time: I rarely have/remember dreams. I'm sure I do dream in the night, but I almost never remember them. On the rare occasions when I do have dreams that I remember vividly, they are usually scary ones. But the last real scary dream that I can remember was almost a year and a half ago. That dream woke me up and I started crying, but like I said, that's a really rare occurrence. Usually when I have dreams that I remember, they occur during that time when I'm about to wake up but haven't completely become fully conscious yet -- when I'm in a sort of asleep/awake limbo.

I think the biggest reason I don't ever remember my dreams is because I'm a very heavy sleeper. Just ask my former roommates and fellow RAs. I've almost slept through fire alarms, tornado sirens, not to mention all the phone calls I've missed while I was sleeping even though my ringer was on the highest volume my phone has. In order to wake up in the morning, I set 4 alarms. I set my actual alarm clock, which I purchased because it was the loudest one the store had, for the latest possible time I can get up in the morning so I'll have plenty of time to get ready and be on time for class and/or work. That alarm is placed on my dresser, across my bedroom from my bed so I actually have to get up to turn the horribly loud alarm off. Then I set 3 alarms on my cell phone in 1o minute increments up to the time that the big alarm will go off. I usually wind up cuddling my phone in bed with me while these alarms go off one-by-one. Some mornings, much to my dismay, I don't even remember my phone alarms going off, but know they did because I wake up to my big alarm with my cell phone in my hand or on the pillow next to me.

My good buddy Lindsey tagged me in this so I thought I'd be a good blogging-friend and do it. I'm also supposed to mention the original blog from which she got this idea: here it is.

Blessed REassurance

2009-02-23T11:53:00.003-06:00

Two weeks ago I received this scary letter:

"Dear Kassandra,

As a part of the evaluation process, the first-level faculty met to review the academic progress of first-level students in their degree program. The faculty identified some concerns about your progress.

Please schedule an appointment in the Academic Office to discuss with me the concerns and resources available to you.

Grace and peace,

Dean Krause"

Ok, so I was terrified. I did pretty well in my classes last semester, with the one exception being Biblical Studies I because there were so many readings assigned I couldn't keep up so I just stopped trying. Needless to say, I passed all of my classes with two As, one B, and that pesky C in Bib. Studies. I knew that the concern couldn't be about my grades, but I had no idea what was going on. So like the good little girl I am, I immediately went to the Dean's office and set up an appointment for today at 11:oo.

Turns out, the Dean just wanted to meet with me because some of my professors (but not all) had said in the evaluations that I was "too quiet" and "reserved." She was worried that I didn't feel a connection to the school, what I was learning here, and the community. She was right.

Last semester was really rough. I had a hard time focusing on the purpose of my being at Eden because I was so sad about, and still processing, the transition from Drury to grad school. It was hard to throw myself into this beautiful community I'm now a part of when I felt so sad about leaving my friend/family at Drury. Added to my sadness was the fact that I didn't have enough time in the day for work, school, my Contextual Education, and studying. It was nearly impossible to keep up with all of my obligations.

I told her that I had a I lot of regrets about last semester and that I was committed to changing and bettering my experience here at school. I realized over Christmas break that I was over-working myself and that I needed to make some changes. So I quit my babysitting job because the time commitment was too much and their home was too far away, even though I loved the kid and was sad to have to end it. As my New Year's resolution and Lent "whatever" I am committing myself to not skip any classes this semester and I'm making myself read at least one-third of every assigned reading. And, even though I'm not going to go out and join any committees or anything because that would just take more of the time I just got back in the week, I'm going to try to be more active or at least present on campus. I started working in the library and I've found that it is just what I need. My classmates are there all the time so I get to talk and interact with people and it's a low-key job where I can do homework when all of the books are shelved. Plus, I get paid more there than at the babysitting gig.

I told her I was trying to make changes and she reassured me that she had noticed that I'd been around more in chapel (because I actually have time to worship now... at seminary... crazy, right?), and in the library. The Dean was glad that I'd realized I needed to change things for myself and handled it. But she reminded me that the next time I find myself feeling disconnected or upset about how things were going, I should talk to her or my advisor because they are there for me.

Wow. I am so blessed to be at a school where professors and other faculty and staff actually care how I'm doing, not just based on grades, but in a holistic way.

When I walked into the Deans office this morning, I was terrified. I left ten minutes later feeling reassured that I was in the exact place I needed to be to learn how to be a good minister. Isn't it great to say that some of your best examples of kind and compassionate ministers are your professors and school administration? It's good to know that they're looking out for me and actually care how I'm doing.

Thank God for Eden Theological Seminary.

Happy Birthday Dr. King!

2009-01-19T12:38:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about Martin Luther King Jr.'s ministry lately. Mostly I've been thinking about his bravery. I think about how brave he was to stand up and say, "I've got this one guys, we can do this." He saw what needed to change and he did what he could to make that change. I don't know that I could be so brave. He risked everything - his career, family, and life to help the people around him. Could I do that? I just don't think I'm brave enough.

Sure, I can wear my Ally button on my backpack and change my Facebook profile picture for any number of causes I support. I can change my voicemail message on my phone and then turn it off so I can raise awareness about injustices occurring in the Congo because of the minerals needed to create cell phones. I can boycott businesses and write letters. But could I stand up in front of the nation and say this is what needs to change? I don't think I could.

So I admire Dr. King's bravery and gumption to get things done. I'm glad that because, forty years ago, he was brave enough to speak up for what he believed we will inaugurate our first African American president tomorrow. I'm glad that he spoke up forty years ago so that I can go to East Saint Louis and immerse myself in an African American community and understand what it means to be the one being oppressed. I'm glad that Dr. King spoke up so that I can recognize how much further we need to go so that the American Dream is available for all - black, white, red, yellow, brown. Because we are all precious in God's sight.

We've come so far, but we have so much further to go. What are you going to do to inch us closer to King's dream?

"I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, 'Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!'"

Ending the Year Right.

2008-12-30T21:33:00.005-06:00

Wow. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I went to France and London. I celebrated one of the best Christmases thus far (but I think I say that every year). And I've discovered that Netflix now allows Mac users to watch instantly. So that's basically how I've been spending these last few weeks. But that's just the short version of it all; I'll tell you in more detail.

EUROPE!
I flew out of Kansas City on Saturday, December 13 to Brussels. I traveled for many hours and wound up in Brussels at 8 AM (CET) on Sunday, December 14. Mary picked me up from the airport with a sign that read, "My MAMA Kass." It was a joyous reunion -- well, as joyous as I could be after traveling almost 24 hours. We hit the Grand Plaza in Brussels and grabbed a small breakfast and took the train to Lille where Mary is living this year.

Me in the Grand Plaza in Brussels

On Monday, December 15 Mary showed me Lille. We visited the shops, the old buildings, and the Christmas Market they had set up in the square where I bought the most delicious pretzel I had ever eaten in my whole life. I bought some chocolates for my supervisor at the Kindercottage where I work and some Christmas ornaments for my family. Then we headed back to Mary's house where we ate dinner and watched "White Christmas," a movie Mary's German roommate had never seen before.

On Tuesday, December 16, Mary had to work in the morning so I slept in and then we hit the road (train tracks?) for London! After we checked into our hotel that Mary, her two roommates, and I were staying in that night, Mary and I went to Trafalgar Square so we could see it and Parliament at night. We saw the huge Christmas tree that was donated by the Norwegians and I also got to see Big Ben's tower all lit up. It was really amazing. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Then we got on the tube and went out to London's O2 arena where we saw Coldplay in concert. It was an unbelievable show. As much as I love them on CD, I love them even more live. It was a night I'll never forget.

a shot of the stage during the Coldplay concert

On Wednesday, December 17 we hit London hard: Westminster Abbey, Harrod's, Buckingham Palace, St. Paul's Cathedral, Tate Museum of Modern Art, Tower Bridge, and the Tower of London. It was unbelievable how much ground we covered. Needless to say, my feet were killing me. I was overcome by how old everything was. I truly loved the city and I love how the old and new buildings blend into each other in the skyline. It's such and interesting city. I hope to return someday and explore it more at a slower pace.

Me, on the Tower Bridge with London behind me

On Thursday, December 18 (my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary!) I recuperated from the crazy pace of my London adventure while Mary worked. That night, Mary's British roommate fixed us a really great Christmas-like dinner. I got to meet some of the girls that Mary's been hanging out with too. It was a fun night. Unfortunately I took no pictures.

Mary worked on Friday, December 19 too. But after she got off we took the train to Paris! We took the subway to our hotel from the train station. It was no fun lugging our suite cases around the Paris subway system! I decided before we even got to our hotel that there was no way in hell we were going to take the metro to the airport on Monday. We stayed in a Best Western near the Louvre. It was actually very nice and not too pricey. It was dark when we got there so we walked over to see the Louvre at night. I think I took more pictures of the pyramid at the Louvre than anything else on the whole trip. It was so cool to see it lit up at night. Then we went and ate dinner at a place called Hippopotamus. No, we were not served Hippopotamus.

On Saturday, December 20 we woke up early-ish to go to the Louvre! We grabbed a croissant and walked to the museum. We spent about 3 hours there and I still can't believe how big it is. I saw the Mona Lisa, Winged Victory, The Venus d'Milo, and countless other pieces of art that I've seen my textbooks and coffee table books. I honestly still can't believe I was even in the same room as them. Both Mary and my sister had told me that the Mona Lisa was nothing special and not to expect too much because it's actually quite small. However, when I saw her, I started to cry. It wasn't so much her that made me cry, but the huge crowd waiting in a blob to see her. Everyone wanted their chance to get up near the plexi-glass wall that protects her. I stood there and thought about the thousands (millions?) of people that look at her everyday and it made me awestruck. I just couldn't believe how many people in the world travel thousands of miles to see this pretty insignificant painting every year.

After the Louvre we went to the Orangerie where there is a collection owned by a man who died. This guy had all the good stuff: Cezanne, Picasso, Monet, Manet, Matisse, and 8 Monet "Waterlillies." I was in heaven.

After that we walked to the Eiffel Tower, got a crepe from a stand near there, and then waited in line to go to the second level. Once we got to the top the sun had gone down so I got to see Paris' lights at night. It was awesome. The tower is lit up blue with a circle of gold stars on the side because France was the head of the EU during the month of December. It was pretty cool to be up in the tower and see the blue light. The picture thing isn't working for me anymore so go to my Facebook to see more pictures. I took a lot.

After we left the tower we went back to the hotel because, as it turns out, I'm actually a pretty horrible traveler and need to take frequent rests or I get cranky. After we rested, we went to a restaurant where they serve authentic French cuisine. I had a beef thing that was really good.

Sunday, December 21 is what I fondly remember as "church day." I drug Mary along with me to mass at Notre Dame. After mass we walked around it and I got emotional again when I thought about how many people had worshiped and prayed there. Then we went to Saint-Chappelle where there are supposed to be 20 relics of Christ, but we couldn't figure out where they were located. The stained glass windows in that church are phenomenal though! And that church was 900 years old! I couldn't even believe it. Then we went to the Galleries Lafayette and realized that all of the merchandize was way beyond our price range. So we went to the hotel for a rest. We ate dinner at the Brasserie du Louvre, a restaurant in the Hotel du Louvre which is a very fancy hotel near the Louvre. The food was awesome and the service was very fancy too. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place but really enjoyed the dinner. After dinner we walked back to the Louvre to see the pyramid one last time and we saw the light show that they do on the Eiffel Tower. They make it sparkle with lights every hour after sunset. It was a great way to end our stay.

On Monday, December 22 we took a taxi to the airport and we both flew home for the holidays. I had a slight incident with security, however, because my passport said that I was in Brussels and France during the suspicious terrorist activities that occurred. When I went through security, I was the only person who had to take his or her shoes off, then they frisked me and searched through my bags by hand. I was so confused about why they did all that, but then as I was sitting at my gate waiting for my plane, I realized that I was in both places at inopportune times. Pretty funny, huh? I got home with no problems after that and slept 14 hours in my own bed. It was a great whirlwind of a trip.

Christmas was amazing this year. I really got into the Christmas spirit while in Europe because they do love their Christmas trees over there. Everything was very festive. Once I got home, we had our Christmas Eve services at church which always make me sentimental and nostalgic. Then my family had a relaxing Christmas day at home. We stayed in our PJs all day and even had a designated nap time. We watched It's a Wonderful Life and ate our traditional brunch and ham and cheesy potato dinner. I love a quiet Christmas.

This past Saturday we went to my dad's brother's house for our family Christmas. My aunt made a great Mexican themed meal and we sorted through some stuff that belonged to my grandparents. It's kind of a shame that we've waited 14 years to finally decide what to do with her jewelry, their Bibles, and photographs, but it was good to be able to do it as a family of adults. My sister, cousin, and I got to take some of G-G's jewelry and all four of us cousins got to have a Bible that belonged to either G-G or Granddad or both. It was a bittersweet day.

My G-G had a jewelry set that was a cameo necklace with matching earrings. We've gone back and forth over the years about what to do with it but we've finally come up with a solution that I think we're all happy with. We gave the necklace to my cousin Claire, and my sister and I will each get an earring and have necklaces made out of it. That cameo set is one of the things that I remember most about G-G. I remember sitting in her lap and looking at the necklace. It's really not my style at all but I've always loved that jewelry. And anytime I see a piece of cameo jewelry, I think of her. So I'm excited that I get to have a necklace made out of her earring. I will be grateful and honored to wear it.

So that was basically my Christmas and the weeks prior to it. I'm now making plans for a trip down to Springfield to see my friends from the Alma Mater and for next semester.

I think I've decided to quit my nannying job. I love the kid and his family is great, but the 10 hours plus drive time is just too much. I really struggled last semester and my grades weren't what I wanted them to be, not that they were bad. I basically killed myself with all the work I was trying to do. I worked 12 hours a week at my contextual education placement and then babysat and that didn't leave enough time for my schoolwork. The money that I receive from that gig just isn't worth the lack of time left for school stuff, not to mention socializing! I've committed to the month of January so I'll honor that and then stay on until mid-February or until his mom finds a new sitter, whichever comes first. I have no real life in STL. No friends really, and I'm not involved in anything on campus except for my classes. This is unacceptable. I need to make some friends and get involved or I will hate being there. So I've decided to quit babysitting, a.k.a. The Time Suck.

That's all for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this incredibly long post.

Starting Up the Blog Again

2008-12-07T21:08:00.003-06:00

A lot has happened. I haven't really known where to start. At one point in September I tried to make a post about my new apartment but then my internet died. ANNOYING! So I gave up. I've kind of forgotten about the blogspot world until now. I have sixty three pages to write by Friday, so this is going to be brief but I am just going to write about a few things that have occurred in the last few months.

The Biggest Thing: I realized I was truly a person of "white privilege."

I have been placed at a daycare in East Saint Louis, Illinois for my Contextual Education this school year. When I signed up for this placement I didn't know anything about East Saint Louis. I'm glad I didn't because I probably would have chickened out. I'm so grateful that I have been given this opportunity. Both at Drury and in orientation at Eden, I was forced to read an article about white privilege. If I could remember who wrote it, I would quote the person, but I can't remember and don't have the time to find it. Anyway, my point is, I had read about white privilege and I had a basic concept of what it was. But until I went to the daycare and experienced being the only white person in an entirely African American and poverty stricken community, I had absolutely no idea what that really meant.

Every Wednesday and Friday when I go there and spend time with those amazing kids, I am reminded of all that I have been given in my spoiled rich white girl life. I am also reminded that because of their race and geographic location, they have been given almost nothing. The daycare and the churches that support it do their best to make up for what the community is lacking, but there are thousands of miles to go before these kids are given an equal playing field. It's so unfair and I am reminded -- no -- slapped in the face every time I go there of the work we need to do to help the poverty-stricken areas in the U.S.

Added to the fact that I am the only person who looks like me at my placement, I had the opportunity to hear James Cone speak. He compared Jesus' crucifixion to lynching. It completely blew my mind. I heard him speak at the beginning of October and I am still processing it. I wish I would have recorded it so I could go back and listen again. All I can say is wow.

THEN, Obama won. I got to go to the daycare the day after election night and the spirit in that place was amazing. Even the kids were excited that he won. From all of this, I've come to appreciate the struggle. I think because, I've seen it first hand now. I think it's horrible that my home county is 85% white. What the hell?! This has also led me to other questions like, why are churches the most segregated places in the U.S.? Why is there a White Church and a Black Church. Shouldn't there just be a God's Church?!

Here's a picture of a few of the kids who opened my eyes:

So yeah, that's the biggest thing that I've experienced this semester. There's more to be said about it, but I don't have the time. I also don't know exactly what to say yet. I'm going to write more over Christmas break, I think.

This time next week, I'll be in France! More about that later. I gots to go write.

Things I've learned...

2008-06-23T22:41:00.002-05:00

Because I don't feel like completely explaining all that I've been feeling or doing as of late, here is a list of things I've learned so far this summer:

1. I love driving golf carts.
2. I can put the fear in any 4th or 5th grader.
3. If I don't put sunscreen on my neck, it will get burned.
4. It's no use trying to convince your 60 year old co-worker that you're right about something.
5. Thich Nhat Hanh is the shit.
6. Teach any kid the Banana song and he or she will love you forever. "Form banana, form form banana..." you know what I'm talking about.
7. Clue is the best movie ever made in the 80s.
8. The Remember the Titans soundtrack can put me in a better mood any day.

9. I miss The Awakening sooooooo much.

10. Let go, trust God.

What Now?

2008-05-26T16:33:00.003-05:00

I've been home for a week. I still have boxes that have yet to be unpacked, and emotions/thoughts that have yet to be set free.

A week and two days ago, I experienced a big change. I left the comfy confines of my beloved alma mater and moved back into my parents house for a long, and what I think will become, lonely summer. If the last week is any indication, I think I'm going to get a teensy bit sick of my parents, though I love them dearly. It will help when my sister comes back home from all of her adventures - I'm no good at this only child thing.

It's a hard thing to leave the people you love. I sit in my basement at night and watch TV, all the while thinking, "If I were in Springfield, what would I be doing?" Probably the exact same thing, but I'd have a roommate or a boy from across the street watching the TV with me.

In high school I was good at being alone and I kept myself busy, and at the time I thought I was content. But I've come to find I need my people about me. Maybe I was content then, I guess I just hadn't met my best friends yet.

The highlight of this week was watching Indiana Jones and The Muppet Show with Lindsey. We had a some good talks and it was nice to hang out with a person under forty-nine for once. :-D

I still can't let myself realize the enormity of the fact that I won't be returning to Drury yet. Does that make me pathetic?

The 22-Year-Old Virgin

2008-04-06T14:53:00.003-05:00

Because of recent misadventures in dating I've been thinking a lot about my (lack of a) love life.

Before last Saturday I had never been on a date. I've never been kissed or had a boyfriend. I only mind a little bit that I haven't had any of these experiences. I think I've missed out on a lot of pain and grief by not dating. Before last Saturday, I'd never really had a guy pursue me or even act like he was that interested in me. I was flattered that the Cop liked me so much so I went on two dates with him even though I wasn't all that interested in him. I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing to just date - I told myself it would be good practice. Little did I know that he would cross the line between going on dates and the first attempts to make a relationship so quickly.

Don't think I'm trying to say that I'm bitter about dating, because I'm not. I don't consider two dates to be enough of a catalyst for bitterness just yet. However, I have learned a lot from this awful experience. I know now, that I need to be clear to whomever I date that I want to be friends first, and let the potential relationship bloom later. I think I made a big mistake in not making that clear to the Cop this time around. What ever happened to just hanging out? How come everyone goes on dates now? I think next time I want to get to know the person first, then say, "Hey I like you and you like me, so let's go on a real date."

Anyway, it was a bad experience. I've learned from it and it's over. THANK GOD. I just can't help but hope that love will find me soon someday... and I'll feel the same way about him that he feels about me. I think we need to be clear on that.

Saw this on Post Secret today, and it struck a chord with me.

Count Your Blessings

2008-02-26T13:31:00.002-06:00

After one of the most relaxing and enjoyable weekends I have experienced yet this semester, I've been thinking about the many (MANY!) blessings in my life. I think I too often get caught up with the unnecessary stressors in my life and therefore have no time to enjoy the good things. So I'm going to make a list of things that bring me joy and you, my two (?) readers, need to hold me to spending more time on these things and less time worrying.

-Doing nothing with my friends. Just sitting, watching TV, exploring new stores, going to the park, getting a cocktail or coffee, anything like that.
-Curling up with a good book that is not required for my classes.
-Coloring in coloring books. Seriously, I bought a Sesame Street one the other day and it's the most relaxing thing ever. Just stay in the lines and pick any color you want. I could spend hours with my crayons and coloring books and be supremely happy.
-Sending (and receiving) letters. Old-fashioned correspondence, people! It's great. Let's rediscover the letter.

That's just a short list of things I should do more of. There's more, but emails for work are calling my name.

And on a side note: After catching up a little with an old and very dear friend this weekend, I realized just how bad I am at keeping in contact with my loved ones. So I am going to work on it.

Chillaxing

2008-02-23T12:02:00.002-06:00

I have decided that sleeping 12 hours in my bed at my parent's house is the best medicine for the anxiety and stress I've been feeling lately.

Facing future decisions that I don't feel equipped to make, mountains of homework that I don't have enough time to do, and worrying about Mom has made it difficult to relax. But I think I overcame that battle in the last 18 hours I've been home. Instead of finishing my paper that I promised my favorite professor I'd finish last night and give to him on Monday (it was due Friday by 5:00, but he is a lovely man and gave me an extension with no penalty), I watched Night at the Museum with my parents. Instead of snuggling up with Walden (60 pages due by Monday night) I got caught up with one of my favorite TV shows online. So I might need to spend some time this afternoon working on all of those things, but I felt truly relaxed last night. And after sleeping 12 hours, I feel great.

I love a weekend with no plans. I need to do this more often.

What's a girl to do?

2008-02-18T21:40:00.002-06:00

In September I visited a seminary in Kentucky and loved it. The professors were incredibly kind, the students were helpful, smart, and friendly. The campus housing was impeccable and the location in the city was ideal.

On Sunday I visited another seminary in St. Louis. It felt like home. I could really see myself there. The problem is, I won't get as much financial aid there as I will at the school in Kentucky. But the other really positive thing is how close the St. Louis school is to home.

I don't know what to do, but hopefully when I find out if I'm accepted to those two schools and know what kind of scholarship packages I can get I'll be able to make a better decision.

I loved both schools, but one more than the other. I just hope the school in St. Louis accepts me!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-01-27T16:19:00.000-06:00

As I've been facing my last semester at Drury head on, I've been thinking about how much my life is going to change in the next four months. As much as I'm sad, I'm also excited. I'm terrified to leave my comfortable little bubble at Drury that I've filled with friends who seem more like family, professors who feel more like friends, and kids at church to play with and love on.

It's not like I don't think I'll be successful at another place, it's that I don't know if I want to. I've grown so much at Drury - I don't even know who I was before I came here. If it ain't broke don't fix it, right? But I don't have a choice. I'm graduating so I can't take anymore classes, I can't work for the chaplain's office, and there's no seminary in Springfield I want to go to in order to keep working at my church. So it's like I'm being pushed out of the nest and I'm scared about it. And even if I did stay in this God-forsaken town (I know, a little harsh) it's not like my friends would be here anymore because they're graduating too.

I've sent in my applications and now I'm playing the waiting game to hear back from the seminaries. I've done my part to movie on from here (even though I was kicking and screaming the whole time).

I'm just terrified about everything after May 17th. I wish I had something profound to say about it, but I don't. I just don't want to do any of it.

I'm just going to let David Bowie say it:

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

Every time I thought I'd got it made

It seems the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-changes

don't have to be a richer man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-changes

Don't want to be a better man

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence

So the days flow through my eyes

But the days still seem the same

And these children that you spit on

As they try to change their worlds

Are immune to your consolations

They're quite aware of the what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-changes

Where's your shame

You've left us up to our necks in it

Time may change them

But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me

Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-changes

Look out you rock 'n' rollers

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-changes

Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older

Time may change me

But I can't trace time.

Searching for Healing

2007-11-26T20:40:00.000-06:00

I have to write a 10 to 12 minute inspirational message for Chow & Chapel by tomorrow at 11:00.

My mom has breast cancer.

I have to read something on a piece of paper my Spanish teacher handed me last week by tomorrow morning and I can't even find it.

Mymom has breastcancer.

I have to write Grad school application essays and get references from people.

Mymomhas breastcancer.

I need to go buy groceries with money I don't have.

Mymomhasbreastcancer.

Holy shit. How am I supposed to do all of this?

In everything I do, there is the awful truth and the tears burning at the back of my throat, the choking feeling making it hard to breathe.

How am I supposed to speak about a loving God tomorrow when I don't feel loved right now? Where is He/She/It?

How can any of this stuff be important when my mom, the most important person in my life, is suffering from a disease that she can't even feel?

Too many questions. Not enough answers.

I need some answers, God. Right about now. Then, maybe, I'd feel Your love. Where is it? I used to be able to feel it everyday and now I just feel cold, empty silence.

I never thought it'd be my mom. She's supposed to be made of steel.

Damn it all.

Reflections on my Birthday.

2007-10-31T15:41:00.000-05:00

Today I am 22. I can not even begin to explain how weird it is to be 22.

First of all, it's a little anti-climactic after your 21st birthday. Not nearly as many people are offering to take me out for drinks, etc. But I think the weirdest thing about being 22 is that this is the age I will be when I graduate.

I've always seen 22 as an age when I should know things, like where I'll go for grad school, what I'll for sure do with my life. Well, now I'm 22 and all of these questions are unanswered. Graduation is about 5 1/2 months away and I don't know anything.

SCARY.

In the meantime, look at cute little Kourtney and Kassie with their Grandma G-G and remember simpler times:

Recent Events

2007-10-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

Fall break was much too short. I went home for about 24 hours, where my mom stuffed me full with pot roast and took me shopping. I love shopping with my mom, she's a lot of fun. I also finished Dr. Hornsby's book which was just an awesome read, it was like I got an extra class with her!

Then I came back to school and celebrated my best friend Mary's birthday. One of our friends got her (actually it was really a gift for himself) a grill for our front porch. I don't know if its legal or not for us to have one, but we made s'mores on it Friday night! It was amazing.

Sunday night Mary and I created art for our house:

This is the piece I created. I call it "America: A Remix" because it uses red, white, & blue. It really isn't intended to be patriotic though - just pretty.

This is the piece that Mary and I created together. As you can see, we were inspired by Jackson Pollock. She calls it "Collaboration" while I call it "Come Together Right Now, Over Me." (I can't stop listening to the Across the Universe soundtrack.)

So that was my break.

Sippin' Coffee with Jesus

2007-10-15T11:39:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to Java with Jesus, an event put on by Disciples on Campus and the Chaplain's Office. Emily, the Associate Pastor from my church, gave the message and it was about being stressed out and filled with anxiety - something I clearly know a lot about. She used Psalm 63:1-8 for her scripture reading and I'm just going to post it on here because it really touched me. Even though I'd heard it many times before, I don't think I'd ever really heard it.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you in the watches of night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

Holy crap. Well said, David.

A Quick Update on my Insanity

2007-10-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

I've been in bed by 11:30 every night this week.

I've been drinking a lot of water.

I've been getting my homework done by 10:00.

But the anxiety is still there and I'm binge eating. Uh oh...

Something's Gotta Give...

2007-10-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had my very first intense freak out. After church I got into my car and started crying. I think I got even more freaked out because I couldn't figure out why had been upset all morning or why I was in hysterics driving up Glenstone. Safe, right?

I was supposed to go visit a seminary in St. Louis yesterday but I just couldn't do it. The idea of going there made me feel like my brain was going to explode. Not that I don't want to visit, because I do. It was just the timing. I called my mom, while driving and crying - again, how safe am I? I told my mom I couldn't go and I'm pretty sure I freaked her out too because I couldn't tell her why I was so upset because I didn't know.

After sleeping most of the day yesterday, I came to the realization that I've been trying to do too much lately. Every week I work 3 jobs, go to 17 hours of classes and when I'm not working or in class I'm trying to get my mountains of homework done. I've filled up the past 3 weekends with activities. Basically I haven't had any time to myself.

The strange thing is that I'm doing stuff I want to do... I'm just doing too much of it, I think.

After sleeping for 4 hours yesterday and then sleeping about 9 hours last night, I'm feeling much better, not 100%, but better than I was.

I'm going to start saying no to things. I'm going to reclaim my Saturdays. I'm going to get my homework started before 11:00 at night so I get a full night of sleep. I need to take better care of myself.

Please hold me accountable to this.

Fear is a Beast

2007-10-04T23:07:00.000-05:00

The Bear met my eyes with an intense steely glare (how else would a bear look at a person?). I could see my reflection in his eyes. I was so frightened I couldn't even move. He was a black bear, not like the normal small ones you find in the Rocky Mountains; he was huge. I felt my dad grab a hold of my arm, like he knew what was going to happen. I could sense my family's fear as they stood behind me. I worried about my sister. Was she scared? I worried about my mom. Would she be alright if something happened and my Bear killed me?

My dad's arm kept me anchored, it gave me strength as I faced my greatest fear. And then, in an effortless move, the Bear grabbed my arm and started pulling me away from the people I love most in this world. Dad's hand lost its grip on me, I thought for sure I was going to die.

No, I thought, I can't die today. I have too much to live for. I have a family I love and friends who light up my days - I have to fight. So with my right foot, I put all the strenght I had into it, I kicked the Bear. He was startled, he thought he could take me. He let go for the briefest moment and I ran up the stairs of the deck into the kitchen. I locked the door and ran to the living room, where I collapsed to the floor.

I heard my family come in through the basement door. Unable to move, I said a quick prayer thanking God for saving us. How could I have let my fears affect my family so?

With a start I woke up, realizing that this was a nightmare. I soon drifted back to sleep, but the Bear has been with me for the past three days. Reminding me that the things I fear, the decisions I agonize about at night when I'm trying to go to sleep or in class when I'm trying to listen to my professor, are not as big as they seem and that no matter where I go, I'll always find a way back home.